I woke up today alone. Not for the first time and maybe not for the last. But today – Christmas Day 2018 - I woke up on a major holiday IN JOY for the first time in four years.

There are no Christmas firs around me…no gayly decorated boxes…no ornaments hanging from everywhere…no old favorites playing from a slightly scratchy speaker…no smells from the kitchen to make you wonder why you’re hankering for dinner and it isn’t even time for breakfast yet…no semi-serious arguments over whatever there is to argue about semi-seriously.

None of those elements which used to be my benchmark for a successful holiday kickoff and yet…I have joy. Pain, disappointment, sorrow, depression and grief had been my faithful autumn and yuletide companions but I broke up with them all this year and now I HAVE JOY!

I left my new home in Cabo San Lucas to return to Los Angeles for a couple of months this past fall - handling this and taking care of that – and was thoroughly convinced once again that, despite all of the love from all those whom I love and who love me, home was no longer on the Westside for me.

I realized then that I had continued to hold onto one residual thought; one remnant feeling that – while unable to stop me from moving forward – was very effective at preventing me from moving forward quickly or with any sense of accomplishment or urgency. That residual remnant was this: that there was something to ‘go back’ to.

The ‘go back’ mentality caused my feet to shuffle when I could have been high-stepping. It kept my body turned sideways against the wind when that same wind could have been at my back propelling me forward faster. It kept me lingering in the shadows of my memories when sunny days beckoned to me to create new ones.

The ‘go back’ mentality kept me alone even when I was surrounded by laughing, joyous, adventurous souls cleverly positioned to teach me how to live again. But before I left L.A. this time, I made up my mind to change my mind. No more shuffling my feet. No more pushing my shoulder into the oncoming gusts. No more necromancy. NO MORE.

I squared my shoulders, gave my full face to the sun and wind and declared to the only one to whom it most mattered “I am going to stop looking back waiting for my past to rescue me from my present. I’m going to fully embrace the new life unfolding in front of me and give it EVERY CHANCE to bestow upon me the joy it eagerly, scarily promises. I am going to LIVE today.”

A friend recently recounted the story of Alexander the Great’s conquest of Persia in 334 BC. Outmatched, afraid, homesick (I’m sure) and almost certain to fail, his army cried for retreat. Alexander cried, “Burn the boats!!”

So no more plan B for me. I have learned that the longer you wait for your past to let go of you, the longer you’ll be sitting there waiting for your past to let go of you. I have learned that if I let go of the ‘option to retreat’, then there is no option to retreat. As Alexander reportedly said, ““we go home in Persian ships, or we die”. That’s the attitude to adopt to move forward. That’s the attitude to adopt to be free!

Now I watch as all my boats are set ablaze. Yes, my friends…freedom, hope, expectancy and JOY greet me – and us all – at the threshold of this revolutionary act and ohhh how sweet it is.

Burn YOUR boats today.

No looking back.

Be free….