When was the last time you laid down outside and looked up at the sky? 

Have you ever noticed that the longer you do it, the calmer you feel? The more limitless you seem on the inside?

It wasn’t until I moved to Maui that I did that with any regularity. Prior to that, I could count the number of times I laid back and let the sun touch my face or watch the clouds dance above me each year and still have at least a whole hand left over. I hardly ever looked up.

I had battled (and let’s be honest - got my ass kicked fairly regularly by) depression from childhood through my late twenties/early thirties. I could always tell when an episode was coming on because I would start to do something I dubbed ‘spiraling’ - essentially a quicksandy sinkhole where all my emotions would get sucked in and held captive for unspecified periods.

As I got older and the bouts became more severe, I began trying to predict how long I’d be at the bottom of the newest hole that had opened before I would be free again. I’d try to peer into the murky depths for answers that would never come and mercy I would never receive. I looked down. And down I went.

No one really knew I was dealing with a constantly depressive state. Not even me. I was a moody Cancer. An only child who liked her alone time and needed lots of it to refuel. A theater kid prone to drama. In reality, all those things were true. Also, I was depressed.

I went to therapy a couple times to try to poke and prod at what ‘the matter’ was without much success.  Ultimately, I just learned to hide it, mask it, cope with it, and get that alone time in.

I dealt with it. But it was always there. At work, at church, at home. Always lurking.

It hadn’t even seemed to matter much that I had a deepening relationship with God. Wasn’t that supposed to fix everything instantly?

Being filled with the Holy Spirit hadn’t seemed to make a dent in making my creeper go away. It erratically (yet strangely on schedule 🤔) showed up with a dark brew and a black blanket with my initials on it to regularly woo me into our familiar place.

I resigned myself to the only thing I could see: this was going to be something I dealt with for the rest of my life.

DEPRESSION IS A SPIRIT

One day, as I was driving down the freeway with my spiritual father, Dr. Nathaniel Duffey III, having a conversation about who knows what, he suddenly broke off with a declaration. That was his way. He’d be minding his own business and then boom! A word from heaven would hit.

This time, as all other times… the accuracy. It stole my breath.

He said, “You know, Shannon, depression is a spirit. It’s a seductive spirit. Because, while it’s tearing you apart, it’s also feeding you chemicals that feel good. Good enough to make you keep it around. Good enough to not cast it out.

But you have the Holy Spirit and He is greater than it. You can command it to leave you and it will go. If you can see the trade-off and stop accepting the bad deal, it won’t have the hold on you it’s had. You can be free.”

Whaaaat??! What did he just say??

I was speechless. I’d never heard anything like that in my life. No one had ever said ANYTHING like that to me my whole life.

We never discussed depression. I never told him this was an old adversary that had won more matches than I had by leagues.

Still, here was this timely word that could have come from nowhere but the Spirit of the Loving God.

Suddenly I felt lightheaded and a little giddy. I honestly didn’t know what to do next. I’d never ‘cast out’ anything before. I had barely even prayed for very many people by that time. What exactly was I supposed to do? 

My situations were so urgent. So dire. Of course, an angelic, heavenly emergency crew would follow right on the heels of this word and come rushing to save me now…right?

No. And yes. 

FREEDOM RATTLE

If this was some Disney movie, a handbook with wings would fall out of the sky after this revelation; perfectly detailing everything I needed to do and poof! snap! bam! I’d be out of all my jams. But this wasn’t animation. This was real life.

Nothing fell from the sky.

All my troubles didn’t instantly vanish.

But there was something else FAR more urgent than summarily being freed from the clutches of my mortal enemy; something that I needed to know and learn. Something that required my utmost attention.

Something that wasn’t a temporary or quick fix to a lifetime of trauma.

Something that would make me free and keep me free.

And it was buried in the middle of Nate’s beautifully-simplified, chain-rattling message: “…But you have the Holy Spirit and He is greater than it…”

Why was that the key, I wondered? Plenty of people had the Holy Spirit and were still depressed. I, myself, had been filled with the Creator’s Spirit for about three years by that time. No miraculous healing had happened for me in that area.

Following this conversation, I sat with Nathaniel for several months as he graciously allowed me to thumb through the pages of his own walk and experience overcoming our common and shared adversary. Back then, too, I was a voracious scripture-delver (I still have my moments today, don’t trip lol 💯) so I went looking for more light in those pages as well.

Around about ‭‭I John‬ ‭3‬:‭8‬, I stumbled on my second clue: “…For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the enemy.”



“Ok great,” I thought. “But why did that matter? Why should I care?”

I read on and found in ‭‭John‬ ‭16‬:‭33 where I fit into all of this new stuff: “…These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

Whew…that felt good in ways I couldn’t quantify. But I still had questions.

So trouble was a given? God knew there were going to be problems on this life road - one wherein our understanding of our divine identity and God’s unfailing love for us would be suppressed; our consciousness enshrouded? And already had something to say about it? 

He’d already answered a question I wasn’t alive yet to think?

I was on to something and I knew it.

POWER

I went a little deeper and came upon my next clue in Acts 1:8: “But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you…”



There. He was talking about me again. But now, He had introduced another element: POWER. And not just His power this time. Mine. My power.

Awesome! That’s what I needed.

That’s exactly what I was looking for. Power. 

Power to get out of the darkness. Power to live in the sunshine. Power to get out of the despair. Power to get out of the spiral. Power to get out of the hopelessness.

Power to get out of the fear. Power to get out of pretending. Power to get out of guilt and shame.

Power.

Power to get out of the loneliness. Power to get out of being invisible.

Power to get out.

Power to be free.

“So wait. Did that mean I didn’t and couldn’t have power over depression before this Holy Spirit showed up?” I thought.

Yes. That’s exactly what that meant.

But as I said, I already had the Holy Spirit for years with no measurable signs of relief. That made no sense to me. That didn’t help me.

The answer to my question, I would later learn, was fine. It was right; relevant even. But the answer wasn’t my problem. My problem was my question. I wasn’t asking the right one.

It wasn’t about ‘when the Holy Spirit showed up’ as I thought. He was there and just as powerful as ever all the time. No…the issue wasn’t Him.

I intuitively knew the issue was me - my understanding, somehow. Hmmm… these were big keys. Jewels, really. I knew I would need to dig even deeper to get them.

SAY WHAT?

I jumped into my concordance then and, as I am wont to do, transliterated Acts 1:8 for more clarity (ooh fancy word lol!). Think: Jack Sparrow decoding a map to a buried treasure.

I needed to know exactly how it translated from the Greek without the interruption of well-meaning (?) King James translators. Below is the nerdy *pre-breakdown* before I cleaned it up further down:

“Nevertheless, seize miraculous power/ability/abundance/strength to supervene (happen in the middle of a situation that already exists and change that situation) [by the] Holy Spirit’s supervene (influence) upon you.”

Errr!! I can guess what (at least one thing!) you might be thinking here: ‘Waaaait a minute, Shannon. Those two sentences don’t sound remotely the same. You must have that wrong.’

I’m glad you thought that 😄 so I can address two things of importance:

1) I’m ok with being wrong. I love a solid, constructive and kind correction. And I love to grow 🦋

2) Research it for yourself. No really. I’m not being flip. You may find, as I have on more occasions than I can count, that the word of God opens you up in a way and with a sweetness few Sunday services or preachers on TV could accomplish. You may just find yourself falling in love with what you see beyond the veils.

To our point here though, you’ll find the original Greek is much richer in context and meaning than English which does an awful job at keeping up and an even worse job at accurately conveying the heart. You’ll see what I mean below.

There was one other action word that emerged from the dissected verse that didn’t appear in the King James version I was researching: SEIZE. As in “take”. 

Take. Hmmm. That was much more aggressive than I was used to in my safe faith. That put me and my own energy into play in a way that felt…foreign.

I was supposed to ‘take power’? From whom? How? And then what? Oy… I still had a lot of questions.

I went back to the basics and rearranged the wording on my dissected Acts 1:8 to make sense and have more flow. A short while later, as usually happens, it opened up like magic ✨ The new translation read:

“Nevertheless, by the Holy Spirit’s influence upon you, seize miraculous power/ability/abundance/strength to happen in the middle of a situation that already exists and change that situation.”

WHOA! Is that what it really said??

So if I gave that Holy Spirit that had been living inside me for several years more influence in my life - rather than, say, view Him as a non-paying roommate that was cool because He was so quiet - then that would give me access (nay - power!) to take what I needed from Him??

He wanted to be my OG Influencer? I could have some of God’s power? I could learn how to use it? And change what needed changing in my life when it needed changing?

YES. YES. YES. YES. YES.

Well damn! Sign me up lol! How did I give Him more influence?

In this instance, it was first simply receiving the truth of what Nathaniel said that day on the freeway. My first ‘act’ was just opening myself up to something I had never considered before.

Namely, if I used this Holy Spirit inside to command this depression to leave me - this spirit that had plagued me from my childhood - it would.

Because God was bigger than depression. He was more powerful than it.

And He lived in me. So that must mean I was bigger than it too!

CLEARING

Immediately after Nate and I said our goodbyes, I ran home to be alone with these new thoughts exploding in my mind. Honestly, I hadn’t heard much since he dropped those bombs so the rest of our day together was kind of a blur.

As luck would have it, I was right at the beginning of a depression ‘spiral’. It was the perfect time to sort all of this out and put it to work.

I didn’t have some big eloquent speech. I didn’t have the words for all of that. I was in pain. All the time. And God knew it. It was no time for games.


Thankfully, then as now and every time I’ve gone to Him in between, He’s never needed fancy speech or feats of spiritual athleticism. Just an open heart, a little hope, and a bit of patience.

I laid my heart before Him and said I wanted to be free.

I asked for help. I asked for His help.

Then I turned to my old bad boyfriend, Big D, and began to remember some of those old bloody fights I’d barely won. Or worse - lost altogether.

I remember feeling how foreign it was to recall the bad stuff. I always only remembered the good feelings. The tea parties. Must have been all those scruffy black blankets and rotten scones…

Now I remembered the mercilessness and cruelty of feeling blow after blow when I was already on the ground. I didn’t forget.

I remembered the days, weeks, months of my life that had been stolen while I languished as a captive in its grip. I remembered the life sentence it had no intention of commuting.

I remembered not allowing myself to get too happy because Big D was always just around the corner ready to steal any little joy I found.

I remembered the pseudo-comforting tea times when my pain and hurt coalesced into dark, suicidal thoughts that were warmly exploited and lethally engaged.



I remembered. I remembered it all.

And now I was about to be free.

SEIZING THE EXHALE

I remember starting rather formally; quietly vocalizing my breakup with it. Something like "Okay I’m not doing this anymore. God said I can be free and Nate said I could cast you out so GO in Jesus’ name.” That felt good.

My anger was starting to build and the release felt good. Right. Satisfying.

So I let it build and went a little further with a neck roll and a “take your hands off my joy, take your hands off my life, get off my emotions and hormones, I don’t accept your rotten deal anymore…!”.

Next thing I knew, I was running around the house, mad as hell, and yelling at the top of my lungs like Queen Angela in ‘Waiting to Exhale’ (“Get yo shit… Get yo shit and get OUT!!!”) 😂 No more beat me up, make me feel better, then beat me up again. F@&! that! I was done. Done done.

I commanded depression to go from me and…waited. I remember feeling that tiny first rush of distance between me and it in the moments after I said it. It was so small - a hairsbreadth - but it was there. Distance. Relief.



Like all bad exes, it didn’t take the first hint and remain gone. It came back. Several times over many years. It took a while to get the message across but I persevered. I kept at it. I wanted to be free.

Every time Big D’s spiral would hit, I would command that depression to leave me. And, each time, every time, when I stood my ground and leaned into the Holy Spirit - allowing Him to tend to my hurts, heal my wounds, and unravel the sorrows that had again opened the door to my enemy - eventually, depression would go.

As I allowed God to be my friend, convince me of His love and that He was there to help, and be a safe space to pour out my troubles - yeah, depression no longer had a place.

As I received the counsel, wisdom, and people He sent (sometimes all in one package) to lift my downcast head and blow the cobwebs off my vision and faith - yeah, depression couldn’t stay.

When I saw the hope God had for me and for my future… Yeah. Game over.

D’s sales pitch didn’t hit the same after a while. I started to accept the promises it made for what they were - LIES - and it started having less and less of a foothold in my life.

Hey…it’s hard to live garden-view once you’ve tasted oceanfront.

Soon, I got better at recognizing when I had fallen into a moody tea party hosted by my nemesis, even if I couldn’t get out of it right away. Later, and after some time and patience - with myself, with the learning curve, and with the process - I felt able to break out of my tailspins faster and faster.

In the course of time, I could feel ‘spirals’ coming and stop them before they got hold of me.

My go-to soothers weren’t alcohol, smoking, or the like since those really weren’t my scene then. But you know what was? An extra-large pizza, an unshared giant ice cream, and a Friday night ’kick your shoes off and don’t answer the door or phone for three days’ binge-cryfest-for-one.

Every weekend. For months at a time. We all got our thing, right?

As I started seizing my power (by asking the Holy Spirit to help break me free of my oppressor), an early sign that I had the help I sought and I was on the right path appeared at the offramp to my escapism.

Instead of drowning in extra-larges, gallons, and solitary slugness, I got mediums, pints, and planned at least one outing over the weekend.

And, yes, Tar-get most definitely qualified as an outing 🎯 Still does.

La Boqueria con Miguel ~ La Rambla - Barcelona 2022

Through it all, I reminded myself and my foe that I had the Holy Spirit who was greater than it. I worshipped and grew in my understanding that being a Son of God - filled with His Spirit - meant I had power.

I commanded the spirit of depression and others like it (hopelessness, oppression, fear, undue sorrow, grief, bitterness…all the real playas! lol)  to leave me. And they would. And they do. Every time. Sooner or later. Every time. 

Over the years, many battles, and a sometimes bite-down-till-you-taste-blood perseverance and dedication to be as FREE as my spiritual father said I could be, I have become a strong foe and as big of a problem for our enemy as it has been for me.

No longer am I seduced by those dark, fluffy blankets and engraved tea sets that used to work so well.

The only kind of tea parties I like nowadays ~ High Tea @ Hotel Cafe Royale

Today, I lay down within the peaceful boundaries of a land hard-fought over; a land with an open sky of hope, possibility, and more sunshine than I knew could exist for me. And I look up. 

Today, I tell others these truths - like you reading right now - and watch and help them get free too.

And when dark clouds gather in the distance and doomsy habits try resurrecting with defeated mentalities, I look up within myself. I see God’s Spirit rise and dominate within me and within my atmosphere, and I am limitless once more.

I am reminded again that greater is He that is in me than he who is in the world. 

And then here comes that sun. 



And I win again. We win.

All God’s children and those who call on the name of the Lord. Sooner or later…yeah.

We win.

CROSSING

If you’ve been paying attention, then you’ve noticed that throughout this blog I have repeatedly referenced having God’s Spirit (aka The Holy Spirit, The Creator, Love, Truth, Acceptance, Joy, Stability… Pick a good name and it’s likely one of His/Hers/Theirs 💛) as the first access point to the power to overcome.

If you’ve never asked God for His spirit - or if you are already filled and just want/need a refreshing - you can have it now. Right where you are. Wherever you’re reading this. And it will re/start you on your road to Everything Changing.

There’s one criteria to actually receiving God’s Spirit, which He gladly (and enthusiastically lol) gives: Forgiveness. Unforgiveness is the only thing that prevents us from receiving the Holy Spirit.

I know. That’s a hard one most times and for a lot of people. Terrible things have been said. Often, terrible things have been done. How can one forgive that? Now, on the spot? Why would they?

Hear me out just a bit more…

We only have to be willing to forgive the person (or people) who did the unforgivable here. Notice I said willing. It doesn’t mean you run out and start epic, painful conversations that may take time, patience, and grace to repair - if repair is even possible. That may come down the road. It may not.

Being willing to forgive means you understand that forgiveness always primarily benefits you - the one who, unfortunately, is still continually angry and hurt over what transpired. Have you considered the possible links between holding past hurts and your fight to be free from emotional oppression? Unforgiveness feeds illnesses of the soul (e.g. depression, bitterness) just like it feeds illnesses of the body (e.g. cancer).

Forgiving means that there, right where you’re sitting, you are willing to release the debt owed to you by someone who cannot or will not ever repay it. Just like you/we can never or will never be able to repay the debt of God’s love (illustrated in the ministry and sacrifice of Jesus) that gives us access to Him 👑

We couldn't do enough to repay that debt and fortunately we don’t have to try.

We can just receive the benefits of forgiven debt, be freed from our chains, and release others from the prisons we have them locked in within our hearts.

It really does become quite simple: Is that depression, that pain, worth it? Will you sacrifice your freedom for someone who will never care about it? Will you forfeit your power for phantoms and prescriptions?

I hope not. But the choice, as always, is yours.

If you’re ready to be free - when you’re ready - say this with me:

“God, I want to be free from ______________ (depression, fear, anger, grief… insert everything that feels right here). I realize now that I’m used to being comforted by something that is actually my enemy. Something that is destroying my life. A counterfeit. A liar.

But counterfeits only copy the real thing. And I want the real thing from You.

I ask You to help me get free and stay free.

I choose to let go of my unforgiveness toward ____________________ (name/s) for __________________ (hurt caused) because I want to be free more than I want to hold bitterness for someone who may never care. And I acknowledge that I need forgiveness too for all of the things - known and unknown - that I have done to offend You and my fellow wo/man.

I ask You for Your forgiveness. I ask You for your Holy Spirit and invite You to come into my life. I ask You to influence me and give me power to overcome all of my adversaries and obstacles. I ask You to speak to me and send me people who can help me know You better and know my power in You.

Thank You for loving me. Thank You for always hearing me. I know that, because I’m heard, I have what I have asked and I receive it now.

So let it be…

If you agree, put a ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 or a 🕊🕊 in the comments. And welcome to the start of a brand new life!

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“What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him.” ~ Luke 11:11-13

God heard you. God loves you…and so do I. Talk soon.

And remember: LOOK UP 🌤🌤

~ Love, Samantha

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OK OK…FINAL THOUGHTS 💡💡

I am not one of those folks who believes that medicine and faith cannot coexist. And I am in no way suggesting that someone under a doctor’s care and supervised prescriptions should abandon that care and “just pray and believe”. Follow your faith, good sense, and the wisdom and counsel of those whom you know love you.

This is my story. And it’s one of supernatural healing that I’m telling so you can believe for the supernatural for yourself.

I’ve also had three surgeries for things I asked God to supernaturally heal and that is the path He took me down. And that is my story of a natural healing.

Whether supernaturally or naturally, I don’t care how it happened. I care THAT it happened. But it also matters to me that God can and does heal supernaturally so I can always leave that door WIIIIIDE open for myself and for others.

Ultimately, Loves, my goal is to inspire you in your faith toward God for your own life, healing and freedom  - whatever that looks like, and wherever and however that happens 🕊

God bless you. Thank you for reading. I hope you’ve been blessed, strengthened and empowered!

Muah 😘