STARTING OVER
Have you noticed how rarely the seasons of the Spirit follow the seasons of a natural calendar? You can be in a “season of life” that lasts two, five or even ten years, right? Maybe you’ve heard it or said it yourself: “I’m in a ________ season,” (fill in with what fits – resting, expansion, pruning, waiting, correction, joy, patience-learning, faith-stretching, etc.). And if someone asks how long it’s been, the timeline is always a little fuzzy.
Sound about right?
I have discovered one cause I’d like to offer: While time-marked days are efficient for productivity and to keep the mechanics of life on schedule, the flow of life refuses to be corralled and curtailed in such ways. You need a bit more wriggle room with spiritual seasons.
A bit more space to b r e a t h e .
And when old seasons shift into new ones - or holding patterns as those new seasons find their alignment - the change can be as nuanced as it is undeniable.
Change, I have learned, dear friends, is the heartbeat of life; propelling us towards new beginnings and uncharted territories. And, I think, it comes around far more frequently than we'd like.
For me, a recent final epiphany sparked a new journey of change and starting over (again!) and was marked by an open vision, a question, and a decision. A decision that has ignited flames of transformation within my soul. A decision, indeed an opportunity of a lifetime, to shed the old and step into the new.
Let me tell you the story…
CHAPTER 1: THE RETREAT
In May 2023, my ministry family and I went on a retreat into the deserts of Palm Springs in Southern California. Three days over the Memorial Day weekend of reintroducing our new selves after so much personal healing and change, ‘ooh’ing and ahh’ing’ over how big our “babies” actually were now, and generally getting comfortable with one another after a very long separation.
ON OUR WAY!! 🥳🚘🚙
Three glorious days of eating great food prepared at the hands of a wonderful chef, tossing kids into the pool, and staying up till the wee hours to find out who would be crowned the smackdown poker king of the night (side note: Ahem! That crown went to me the night I played 🌬️💅🏽).
Three amazing days of seeing and recognizing the deep nuances in one another’s sharp transitions in real life versus Zoom calls; culminating in an ascension into our own juicy brand of corporate worship that only happens when we get together.
At the end of our time, Apostle Enoch, a longtime friend and mentor, former pastor turned author, and a General in the Spirit came with prophetic life-changing words of destiny for each of us, a hand-laying, drop-you-to-the-floor impartation for several (including me), and a prayer over my life that I will never ever forget. It was astounding. A prayer of elevation; a declaration of the plan of God next to unfold.
Out of the many things said and done during this incredibly powerful moment, one stood out above the rest: Enoch declared that God had given me a ministry for deliverance and a wealth-producing anointing that was so large and heavy and that it would be difficult to carry in one body. He said, “What I (e.g., the Lord) have put on you, seventy others could carry.”
Hmmm… Deliverance huh? If you’re like me, you may have heard or have some understanding of what that word means but you’d definitely lose a round if you suddenly had to give the definition on a game show.
When I got off the floor and could walk again 😂 I went to uncover the meaning and significance of what I had received — that the Spirit of God felt was important for me to know — that was wrapped within that word. DELIVERANCE. This is what I found.
Deliverance means: the release from captivity, slavery, oppression, or any restraint.
It also means:
“DELIVERANCE” MEANING
the rescue or salvation from danger or evil
2. the act of bringing forth children
3. the act of giving or transferring from one to another
4. the act of speaking or pronouncing, like to pronounce a judgment, or to pronounce an edict
5. the acquittal of a prisoner by the verdict of a jury
As I sat with this, eventually understanding dawned on me thanks in no small part to some good ol’ fashioned patience, a few decades walking in the Spirit and in ministry, and a pivotal conversation with one of my spiritual daughters. While we talked, I repeatedly wondered aloud, “Deliverance??! What does that mean? Deliverance from what?!” as she took a few contemplative moments to respond.
“That’s what you’ve done with all your spiritual daughters,” she said at length and in quiet, measured tones. “Deliverance from what?! Do you know how many things I’ve been set free from, being in relationship with you? …A lot. That’s why I’m always, like, ‘You saved my life!’”
I was speechless. Though I couldn’t doubt the sincerity of her words, I wasn’t used to hearing it like that. It hit me someplace deep; someplace needed.
This revelatory conversation coupled with my training made me see some spiritual truths that seemed suddenly to have been hiding in plain sight. I came to know that what I had been given was Heaven’s authorization to do on a larger scale that which I had only seen flashes and glimpses of before.
CHAPTER 2: MUSTARD SEEDS
For many years prior to that fateful day, my angels had been whispering plans and strategies for the heart-matters which had risen within me. New ideas, new dreams and inspiration for my next act following the abrupt end of my business management career, life in full-time ministry, and marriage. All within two years of each other.
Dreams of healing and grieving centers to comfort those who found themselves suddenly grappling with bottomless pools of grief, as I had, and who needed a space to even fathom notions of living fruitfully again. Ideas about conferences and retreats that majored heavily on the one thing we all talk a lot about and none of us hardly ever do: REST.
Inspiration to turn accounts of the merciless waves of grief and change that led to hope and safety — which I had poured out in deeply personal and revealing journals — into a book, a gift really, for others to find their own light and pathway out of fear and darkness.
Visions of a publishing juggernaut whose sole emphasis was to release works that speak to the whole wo/man and the wholeness of her family.
Imaginings of a wellness empire geared towards wo/men who, like me, wouldn’t and couldn’t release the “I don’t know why, but I KNOW it’s true!” gut feeling that there was a life of freedom and creativity waiting on the other side of that goddamn, almighty To-Do list.
Wo/men who would need a little fire from time to time to remind them of their greatness. Wo/men who would need to know that God’s love remains unchangeably, unabashedly affixed — as the heavens above — over each of us no matter how, where, or when we find ourselves in this life.
That Memorial Day Monday, while most everyone around the U.S. barbecued, slept and honored sacrifices made in the name of war, I memorialized a fresh, new ringing endorsement from Heaven to start manifesting my daydreams. To birth a global imprint of healing, freedom and life into the world using everything, all the jewels, I’d picked up along the way.
And these jewels included the recent, prophetically-bestowed names spoken over my life. First Sarah. Then, months later, Anne. And, finally, Samantha six months after that. Yes, those jewels. Those adornings — and the weight each carried in the Spirit — which had been gifted to me like the bestowing of leis and Aloha when the island welcomes home her beloveds.
FULL OF THOUGHTS & FULLY LOADED ✈️ OGG, JUNE 2023
That day, I commemorated the mandate over the new life to which the Holy Spirit was introducing me and celebrated the word He had released as the guiding star of my new season: That I, like the Sarah written of in the scriptures, was giving birth to laughter.
CHAPTER 3: “I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU…”
A few weeks later, I signed off of my just-completed blog “SKIN" for the first time as “Shannon Rollins p/k/a Samantha Sarah Anne”; grateful for the rightness of how that felt. Relieved that (what I thought was just) my new author pseudonym had finally materialized.
You see, the year before, my writing coach had suggested to our all-woman virtual writing group that we seriously consider what our public name would be to avoid later confusion and angst should any of us get married, divorced etc. and decide to change our monikers. Upon studying the meaning of each of my new names and finding the right-sounding flow, I thankfully put that conundrum to rest and crossed that little to-do off the list.
Fast forward several months to a gorgeous November day and you would find me sitting on the floor in the meditation room at my home on Maui. This room had always been a perfect setting for several impromptu, life-defining conversations my angels initiated with me over the prior couple years.
Today would be no different.
SOME FIND IT HARD TO LEAVE THE MEDITATION ROOM 🧸
As I meditated and let my mind wander through the realms of “what if…,” a scene opened up in front of me and played out on the screen of my imagination. It was a wedding. A stunning sunset affair set atop green cliffs overlooking a majestic coast. Guests were dressed in black tie and gorgeous gowns and all was a’hush in a warm atmosphere of love and promises.
‘Who’s getting married?’ I heard imperiously to my right, suddenly realizing that I was not a guest at this wedding and, indeed, was not seated with everyone else draped in some beautiful frock. I was hovering above it all like a fly on the wall just off to the left.
In the near distance, I could hear music trilling; serving as the undulating backdrop for the joyous tears and sniffles escaping from a few well-wishers sprinkled amongst the crowd. I could smell the light fragrance of the red, pink, white and purple bouquets adorned with tulle and strewn between the rows. I could feel gentle, sea-scented breezes wafting against my skin as the last of the sunlight warmed their paths.
It was intimate. It was bedecked; bedazzled. It was fabulous. All you could want in a friend-filled, cliffside, couture-heavy, twilit sacrament. Wrapped, as I was, within the sensations the scene evoked, I hadn’t really perceived what I was witnessing. And I hadn't noticed that I wasn’t alone.
“Who’s getting married?”
My companion’s question hung in the air; silently, adamantly awaiting a response as if we had an eternity for me to answer, though I knew we did not. The moment stretched and the intensity grew as I looked toward the beflowered arch covering the couple exchanging nuptials and bestowing rings. The groom was unknown to me but the bride… The bride was – The bride was me!
Kind of…
She looked like me but different somehow. I heard her laugh as the officiant said something that made the congregation giggle and the laugh sounded like mine. Sort of. I floated over for a closer look and, sure enough, the lady in white saying “I do” was none other than yours truly.
‘Who’s getting married?’ I heard a second time, knowing no one had spoken again. I knew what He meant. The question seemed simple enough but its inferences and implications certainly were not.
I had been vacillating for months between my two identities: Shannon Rollins with everything she had accomplished and all the life she’d lived and Samantha Sarah Anne who was completely new, unscripted, and awaiting her chance to live a life of which her predecessor could scarcely dream.
I had bounced confusedly between being in Shannon’s skin with her old identity, dusty wins and already-answered prayers and SSA’s with her sparkling freshness, lightness of soul and spirit, blessedly burden-free past, and the imagination, cajones and burgeoning sense of limitlessness needed for erecting empires and building kingdoms.
VERSIONS… 2016 - 2024 💁🏽♀️💁🏼♀️💁♀️
Yes, I had wrestled between the two Me’s every day for weeks and worn myself OUT!! I’d felt the heaviness and futility of trying to move into my future while dragging all of my past with me and knew it couldn’t last. I knew I had to cut the cord if I wanted to live. I knew I would have to commit: Stay stuck in the bygone or leap into the ‘By God!!’
I knew I had to decide.
‘Who is going to be living out the rest of this life and this existence?’ was the underlying, unvoiced question. ‘Who is going to move forward?’
It was my moment of truth – of choosing and destiny – and He wanted a name.
The angel waited while my mind hastened through my memories; sifting furiously between what I could be required to release if I wanted the life I was seeing and what I might be allowed to keep if I buried it just so. Vignettes flashed around me in a montage of laughter, pain and still more laughter. Familiar faces. Familiar times. All the things, people and moments that had brought me to the one in which I presently stood.
Then, as those images began to fade, bright new scenes of places, events and people I never experienced unspooled in a golden haze before me. These belonged to her. These belonged to the woman I saw with the future empires; marrying the man I had never known. These belonged to Samantha.
‘Who is getting married?’ I heard echo once again.
Time was up. Yesterday with all its necromantic familiarity? Or a tomorrow teetering on oracles whose ink had yet to dry?
“Samantha Sarah Anne,” I finally breathed and watched as the curtain fell on this scene, bringing it to a soft close.
As the vision withdrew, I saw my angel start to work forming the substance of what I’d seen and everything attached to the life I’d just chosen. I beheld as a company of beings began fashioning what I knew were exciting, regenerated, near-future realities that belonged to me. And I knew it was finished.
I can’t lie. I was rocked to my core. I had never experienced anything quite like that before though my spiritual attendants had been periodically pop-quizzing me on the name of my new Heaven-defined identity for most of the year. Random queries of ‘What’s your name??’ as I wiped sleep from my eyes before an early meeting with ministry partners or before attending various gatherings.
Each time, I was startled by the abrupt, somewhat demanding, definitely commanding question. Each time, my protracted answer was the same: “Samantha… Sarah… Anne.”
When an angel asks, “What’s your name?” 😳🗣️
Each time too — as the words finally made their way out from between tight lips and a “huh, what?” sidestep — my angel nodded, conveying that I had given the correct response, and proceeded to do whatever seemingly automatically followed.
I was never read into the final points as, apparently, I was only on a need-to-know basis. But my duty was clear - to decide and to declare my identification each time. Their duties were to open (or close) the doors that ID afforded.
And, boy! Did that start showing up in the most unexpected, sometimes fun 👀😅, always surprising ways.
CHAPTER 4: BANG THE GAVEL
After the wedding scene conversation, the fight between being “Shannon Rollins professionally known as Samantha Sarah Anne” versus fully stepping into Samantha Sarah Anne came to a quick end. In the time between my meditation and my decision, I realized three profound things:
I, and I alone, held the power to release the brakes on my metamorphosis.
I alone held the keys that would shift me into my new reality.
If I didn’t move, I wouldn’t move.
So I did the next logical things. I started having the baristas shout out “Samantha!” at all my Starbucks stops and changed my email addresses. I updated my Zoom handle. I told my friends and any new person I met to “Call me Samantha.”
MAKING IT OFFICIAL 📄✍🏽
And, a week later, I filed the first documents with my state court to legally change my name.
I had seen the vision and knew what it meant. I knew who I wanted to be. I knew who was living out the rest of this life.
And on February 21st, 2024, I embraced and celebrated what God, the angels, the Nevada courts, and a newer, more healed me agreed was my true identity: Samantha Sarah Anne.
And I have started over.
Some have asked, "Why did you change your name?" and "How did you come up with that name?" and “Didn’t you like your other name anymore?” The truth is, this was not a decision made lightly.
It was a change confirmed by trusted prophetic and apostolic voices over an extended period of time. A change ordained in Heaven and reverberating in the earth.
JOIN OUR MAILING LIST TO PRE-ORDER YOUR COPY OF “FINDING YOUR GLOW” 📚
It was an act of rebirth and liberation; a declaration of independence from the shackles of the past. And it was a testament that I had fully lived and maximized everything those previous identities could produce.
You see, our names are more than mere labels. In ancient and not-so-ancient times, names were given to signify who we were expected to be and the assignments we were sent into this life to fulfill.
They are reflections of our identities. Our essence. Our aspiration and our evolutions. And as such, in receiving every new name, we are agreeing to allow the constraints of yesteryear to have no hold.
We are empowering ourselves to seize the expansiveness of a future full of NOW!
That is what I am currently doing — reclaiming ownership of an original story God wrote in the stars for me. Rewriting the script of my life with bold strokes of courage and self-expression; underwritten by the Elohim.
I am paying witness as each new name unlocks specific doors and opportunities inaccessible to any of my previous ones. This new creature, this Samantha Sarah Anne, embodies the very lifeblood of hope, change and starting over. She is a real-time, living proof to me and to all who would glean applicable truths for their own lives to the transformative power of self-discovery and reinvention.
And, as a bonus, I am learning that all the best parts of every version that preceded my current one get to come along with me. I am learning that, though “I am dying,” I lose nothing.
The elements of my life that I actually want, and that choose to come with me, do so without any fight whatsoever. For there is no death in Christ but that there also be a resurrection.
I am beginning to see that all the good and profitable stuff gets cherry-picked to come along for the ride. This, while reconciling myself to the truth that when I try to bring forward those things and people which cannot or will not go, I become an architect in my own demise. Complicit in my own downfall.
“I knew I had to cut the cord if I wanted to live.
I knew I would have to commit...”
I am recognizing those decaying trophies I was attempting to squeeeeze into my suitcase for what they were – self-sabotage. I am seeing how they would destroy any new life I built and in what way I would be cast as an accomplice. Because they belong to another season. The season that is being deconstructed so that a new Me may live.
And, after many years and tons of therapy, I am learning to honor the contributions made by — and retain the love of — those who choose paths for themselves that differ from my own. As I let go of that which was and was good for then, I am keenly aware that a hallowed place has been carved out within me.
A place where my most cherished memories are boxed, ribboned and ensconced in their forever home where all my treasures reside – in the cupboards of my heart. And I can move forward. Whole. Grateful. Empowered. Hopeful.
Nothing lacking. Nothing broken. Nothing missing.
CHAPTER 5: S/HEALED
Let’s be real though. All of this - the journey of welcoming change and starting anew - is inextricably intertwined with the journey of deliberate and focused healing I have been on since 2017. That healing really kicked into high gear in 2021 in the midst and during the grip of the global pandemic as the Holy Spirit led me to explore healing and healers outside of my normal paradigms.
Through healing session after healing session, I unearthed buried truths, shed layers of doubt and insecurity, and used up my body weight in tissues as I cried, cried, cried.
I discovered the origins of my bad dating patterns and that what I thought were only my ‘daddy issues’ actually stretched back much further to ‘grandaddy’ ones as well.
I stumbled upon and through the core truths that I had been showing up in all aspects of my life through a lens of unworthiness and with an unceasing inner monologue entitled “I’m Ugly.”
🚨“STARTING OVER” YOUTUBE VLOG 🎥 WATCH HERE 🎥
I learned how to start forgiving my mother for being human and doing the best she could despite her own unhealed wounds.
I wept, I fought, I broke down, I snotted up every virtual call… and I healed. I grasped and was emboldened by new scripts that taught me the beauty in my imperfections, vulnerabilities and messy realness.
And, in the midst of it, I was continually reminded of something my spiritual father, Dr. Nathaniel Duffey III, used to say: “You don’t have to be any kind of way. You can change at any time.”
“I am learning that all the best parts of every version that preceded my current one get to come along with me...”
Healing isn’t easy. It requires us to confront our past traumas, inner wounds, and bumpy starts, middles and ends head-on. But it is only through this process of healing that we can truly start over.
For me, this has meant embracing all aspects of myself — both the light and the dark. It has meant letting go of the shame and fear that held me back and entering into the light, love and acceptance of God with boldness and confidence. And as I began to do the real and often hard work of healing, I discovered a newfound sense of freedom — a freedom to be who I was always meant to be.
With each step forward, I am reclaiming fragments of myself, watching pieces of me be reorganized and reassembled, and forging pathways that return me to my original state: Wholeness. And, thankfully, I’ve got friends who have done and are doing the same. Because who wants to be healed all by themselves?
These personal changes would be amazing enough on their own but, as I navigate this journey of reinvention, I find I am surrounded by a tapestry of change unfolding around me. Friends assuming their own new identities like Enoch, Sir Gideon, and Chantel, Dr. Daniel, Elizabeth and Zoe Zephyr to name a few. Each tilting their own respective lances and spears as we push against the boundaries of conventionality and taste the first drops of immortality.
New arrivals like baby Noah, born just last month to Rebekah and Nathaniel - heralding the dawn of an era filled with hope, promise, and REST which is what Noah means. Relationships evolving and transforming, mirroring the ebb and flow of life's transitions. All of it, echoing the grace and inherent “Yes” to begin again.
“I realized three profound things:
1. I, and I alone, held the power to release the brakes on my metamorphosis.
2. I alone held the keys that would shift me into my new reality.
3. If I didn’t move, I wouldn’t move.
”
We all deserve permission to start over — to shed the old and embrace the new — even if ours is the only voice we hear giving that endorsement.
Sometimes though, we’re lucky to have someone grab us by the hand and say, "It's okay to evolve," and that can make all the difference in the world. For me, one of those someone’s was Sheila — a wise and compassionate friend and hair architect who navigated twenty years of shifts with me; each one delineated by ever-changing styles.
It was she who reminded me that Black beauty comes in all forms when I worried if my newest, blonde-ist shift was leading me away from further embracing the richness of the culture my time in corporate America almost convinced me should be discarded. It was she who said that it's our freedom and obligation as wo/men - and particularly wo/men of color - to fully express ourselves however we see fit.
So to ALL the wo/men out there — and especially the Sistas and wo/men of color — know that you are not alone. You deserve permission to start over — to embrace change, to express yourself boldly, and to walk in the fullness of who you were always meant to be.
And if you don’t hear it aaaanywhere else, you’re hearing it HERE! We’re here to give you that permission – that agreement, that extra push, that Aaaamen! – you might need, cheering you on all the way into your victory lap.
And know this too: When/if you start breaking out of old molds, there is joy, there is gladness, and there is more life and love than you ever thought possible on the other side of it all.
CHAPTER 6: ONE WAY ➡️
Whether a name change is in the cards for your restart or not, the questions we all face and that, ultimately, beg for resolution as we contemplate a different kind of future are similar: What would starting over look like for YOU?
What new dreams await on your horizon, beckoning you to embark on your own journey of discovery and transformation?
What new thing would emerge?
…Who could you be?
Only you can know. Only you can discover the answers to the questions of your heart. Only you can conceive that which will satisfy your soul. This is your quest — your Quixotic birthright — if ever, whenever, you pursue it. But this I know: If you do, and when you do, you will never be the same.
Think about it and write some thoughts in the comments below ✍🏽 I promise: we’ll be gentle accountability partners. And I’ll lay odds that you’ll find a rush of expectancy hits your heart just by releasing your words into the world ☄️
Can you handle one more slice of encouragement? 😃
Early on in my solo travels as I explored a new city or country, I inadvertently developed a mantra for those times when fear of the unknown arose to choke out my fledgling adventurousness. I would often find myself wondering what’s around the next corner and the next and the next; nervous to spend the time, energy, and resources to find out.
And then I’d hear it: ‘No one - no matter how eloquent - will ever be able to tell you how you’ll feel when you see what you see. There’s only one way to know for sure.’ And invariably I’d take that walk to find the most amazing, inspiring, perception-shifting things or the most mundane, ‘Oh, that’s what that is!” pitstop on my road.
Either way, whatever I would find, I would be glad. Glad I overcame. Happy for what I gained by the experience and all that fell away as I got in those extra steps.
So it is with life and transformation. Sometimes it’s the destination. Sometimes it’s the journey. Sometimes it’s both.
All of it… Worth it.
So cheers, dear friends 🥂 Cheers to the exploration. Cheers to the transformation. Cheers to starting over 🥳 And may we honor and enjoy every step, twist, turn, and eye-popping revelation along the way!
For, indeed, God’s Love is Over WoMen 💞
With Love & GLOW,
Dr. Samantha Sarah Anne
IF YOU CREATE FROM MEMORY, YOU’LL HAVE WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS HAD.
IF YOU CREATE FROM VISION, YOU’LL HAVE WHAT YOU’VE ALWAYS DREAMED.