Soooo You're Back…?
I hate lies now. Like…A LOT. I didn’t always feel so passionately about that and, truth told, I can’t say that I never have one or two sneak out every so often (c’mon..I’m human like you!) but I try hard to be as honest with myself and the people around me as much as possible.
The worst lies, I find, are the ones that I don’t even know I’m telling. Those are the ones that have their root in the deep, dark and murky recesses of my insecurities, past rejections, and the total conviction that if I can’t see them, no one else can either. Until I unceremoniously find out they can.
Usually it’s one of the Unfiltered B*****s (‘UBs’ or ‘Unfiltereds’ for short) – the name me and my three closest friends adopted many years ago as the moniker for the sacred space we created where no bulls*** is allowed to live – who pulls my jacket on an exposed ‘alternative fact’.
It’s always the same when one of us is called onto the carpet: flat out denial, followed by slaaaaying jokes replete with ’remember the last time’ and ‘you have ALWAYS…’ recollections, an “in my defense…” statement, and finally an open space filled with love and friendship designed to make us stop it and just admit it.
I love these women for who and how they are and how we connect for this thing to do what it do. It’s refreshing, and affirming and encourages me to be even more authentic…even more honest.
Recently, I have had some people who are umm…’challenged’ by truth resurface in my life after long separations and I’ve had to confront the big question: How do you deal with people who pop back into your life but who aren’t willing to own up to the reasons they popped out of it?
My go-tos have long been either reflexive acceptance or determined avoidance depending on who I was dealing with, but it’s been happening so often lately, that it’s forced me to acknowledge that maybe I needed a more consistent response; maybe I needed to think on it a bit more.
As I am wont to do, I chewed this up in my spirit for a few days and went back and forth in my mind as God worked on calming my stirred-up emotions. And I re-realized some things:
People have all kinds of reasons for suddenly showing up at your doorstep again that have little or nothing to do with actually wanting to be your friend or in close relationship - no matter what they say.
You have a right to you. Just because someone’s knocking on the door, doesn’t mean you have to open it.
If you do open the door, there should be some ground rules before they come in, sit on the couch and start eating out of the fridge.
Here’s what I came up with:
Speak the truth IN LOVE. But speak the truth.
Give space, opportunity and grace for the person to respond IN TRUTH.
Consider your reasons for saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Are you lonely and feel that something is better than nothing? Are you angry or afraid and want to retaliate?
Take your time. Let them show you who they are. Rome wasn’t built in a day and trust takes time and observation (and forgiveness!) to be rebuilt.
If the other person doesn’t want to deal with the reasons why the relationship stalled or failed before, they don’t have to. It takes courage to be in an honest relationship and bravery comes on the battlefields of self-discovery and sacrifice – sacrifice of one’s pride and sacrifice of one’s need to be ‘right’ at the expense of being true.
Until or unless that happens across the board with all of my relationships, I will keep and treasure the handfuls of gems I have been blessed with and pray for/hope for the best for the rest as they navigate through their own life journeys. Every person isn’t for every season and that’s ok. I don’t need people around me just to say that I have ‘friends’. I need the right people around me so that I know that I have friends.
And those are the mirrors that, through their reflection, make it easier to believe and confirm that it is enough to be true…it’s enough to be me. That’s a place I can move forward from.
What are your thoughts or feelings about this?
How do you handle it when old friends or lovers who have been dishonest or insincere with you come back around again?